Chaos & failure

I'm not sure if the line is actually from "The Godfather" since I've never seen it, but it sounds right to me. You see, "they made me an offer I couldn't refuse" (makes most sense when said in a crappy imitation of an italian accent). And yesterday I signed my life away. I was offered full time employment again and I accepted it. I have spent the past week and a half since they offer first showed up in my email in complete consternation. Every decision I make seems wrong.

Maybe it's because I had a picture in my head of who I was and what life was supposed to look like. The picture essentially boiled down to some fantastic version of a stay at home mom. Interesting since I have always despised babysitting in general. But logic told me that I would be fantastic and love it when it was my own kids. Turns out I love them more than I would have imagined, but I'm not good at "it". Sure, I can make squash and give timeouts with the best of them, but I'm not so good at the day to day. I'm not reall good at playing games and can't even think of anything "interesting" to do. I'm about the worst possible at meeting other moms or scheduling these things called play dates, and I find it impossible to "shut off" and enjoy them. What terrifies me about my decision is that I'm going to wake up at 45 when both kids are grown and essentially out of the house and regret this decision. That I'm going to miss out on the precious days of them being little. Logically, I know that I'm no less of a parent if I work. Heck, Hubby works insane hours and they still love him to pieces, but I'm essentially a failure of what I had planned for myself.

One thing I know for certain, at this point in life, I suck at being a part time working parent. It like being a half-ass employee and a half-ass parent all at the same time. Not that others couldn't juggle it better, but apparently I can't. I take on too much, push the kids to the side, and am generally crabby, all the while managing to put in just enough hours to do the job, but not quite enough to really do it to the best of my ability. Somehow, I hope that this change will make it easier to be home and actually be home (mentally, that is). I suppose I'm jealous of moms around me who are able to pull off being at home, enjoying it (for the most part), and providing that for their kids. It was what I planned on. This was not what I had in mind.

Then, I struggle with how I'm supposed to respond as a Christian. How should I understand the ideas of being Godly as a wife/mother with the ideas of "go to the ant, you sluggard" or the Proverbs 31 lady who considers a field and buys it. How do I not worry about the future (oh you of little faith) but still act as a sparrow and gather food? How do you determine whether you're burrying your talents and wasting them, or if you're pursuing them for the wrong reasons? How do you know whether it's God opening the door or if it is something else? I've been thinking that now would reallly be a good time for some sky writting or a talking donkey, apparently though, He's not planning on using those means right now.

So, I'm left to stumble through and pray about it and walk through open doors. I'd say I put out several fleeces (are we even supposed to do that??): a counter offer, a better work schedule (6am-3pm). Each was met with very little resistance. But, I'd still prefer sky writing.

It's not easy to tell a nearly 4 year old that you'll be working more. Even though I'm pretty crappy at being home, it appears that both Buddy & Little Miss still love me and still like to be around me. He tells me he doesn't like the baby sitter. Then you get the philosophical 3 year old "but why, mommy" question. But why indeed....

I'm not sure what to do with Little Miss. She always seems ready to go to bed around 7:30, but here we are again tonight, nearly 9pm and she is JUST showing the signs of sleep. The worst part is, she is happier playing in her crib from 7:30-8:30 than she is during the day. I just don't get it. Then, some days, she zonks the minute you put her down. Tonight I went in there and we sang songs and talked about her day at Mrs. Jen's. She loves to talk and has quite the vocabulary and quite the way of saying things. We talked about falling off the swings. We talked about if I was wearing underwear under my pants (yes, I was, in case you were wondering). We talked about playing dollies. We sang songs. You see, that's what I'm good at. Singing songs and reading books. The truth of the matter is that I had a wonderful stay at home mom who was good at all the traditional stay at home stuff. And, I think what I remember most is the songs at night. So I guess, I'm hoping that they (and I) will remember the songs at night, or the rocks in the chair, or the books before bed and forget all the yelling, the working, and the stuff I'd rather not stick in the baby books. And I hope that I'm not making a terrible mistake or something I'm going to regret later on. The thing about life is, at the end of the day I'm just trying to do my best to determine what God wants me to do, and since He's apparently said "no" to my pleadings for sky writing, I'm going to take the opportunity to walk through the open door. I'm going to have to trust that somehow He'll give us (the hubs and I) both the strength and wisdom to not completely screw up these two lives we've been entrusted with. And, I suppose I'll keep praying for calm within our new found chaos....but if you see any messages in the sky that I've missed, be sure and give me a call.