The one, true emotion

Man it has been busy around here. the only reason i'm even able to get on now is due to the fact that my computer is rendering video...and i don't want to disturb it with any other graphic design program that may or may not slow it down or even crash it. it's tradeshow season for me, which mean that it's crazy busy. so much for working 10-15 hours/week. i'd say we're solidly in the 25 category...which means i'm only 5 hours less than i was when i was ft, but w/ only 1/2 the childcare. i guess that's why it's 6:30am and i've been working for over and hour and a half already...and i slept in.

i've decided that guilt and inadequacy are the only true emotions. i feel like i've been a crappy mom, carting the kiddos along to mommy's office w/ the fun game of let's draw on the whiteboard while mommy gets files uploaded or for little miss, here, play with this plastic cup and sit on my lap. then there's the fact that i feel like i'm always behind at work...should be doing more. then, i finally found 5 mins to stop by the store to pick up w2 forms on monday...hoping to find time over the weekend to get all the year end gov't forms filled out b4 the 31st deadline...plus the house is a disaster, i haven't found time to work out in like 5 days. in my spare time, i like to read parenting magazines. to read them, every mom can be working full time, bringing the kids to playgroups, while carving out a date night with hubby every week and a girls night out, an hour to herself every day and cooking healthy meals where the veggies are shapped like puppies. good night, where do these people live and where does their time actually come from? let's see the last time i spent time on my hobby was october. i've never done a playgroup and my family has to eat plain old steamed coliflower. on the bright side, though, i managed to fit in a shower last night! wahoo, score one for me. i can't even find time when hubby is home to get my freaking hair cut! seriously, where do you people live??

on a positive note (i guess) i hired a housekeep from now until the end of next month at least. now i feel guilty....who am i, the queen of sheeba that i need someone to clean my bathrooms? dh, of course, say "well, what are you going to do on saturday now that you dont' have to clean the house?" hmmm...maybe the laundry, or the cleaning that she doesn't get to in her 2 hours....or maybe i'll even do something really glamorous...like balance the check book! (ooooooh, some girls have all the luck) of course, i also still have to get up every night w/ the kiddos bc i'm the mom (and i don't have to work). i love ya, honey, but sometimes.......

we're still in the process of selling the house, more lookers but nothing exciting to report. i just want to be done, one way or another. i'm sick of cleaning for people to look around. the house we were looking at is pending inspection, so i guess that one comes off the list. maybe we'll just live in a cardboard box.... i guess, if someone wanted to give us another 200k, we'd be able to find a place. i'm just not willing to be a slave to my house. i want it to work for me...not the other way around. there are a lot of nice houses for 500k. again...not the queen of sheba, so not going to happen!

anyhow, buddy and little miss are doing well. we cannot believe how big buddy is. we're at the "why" stage, and the "i do it" stage. i hear this can last for the next 16 years.... but, he's a good kid overally and smarter than i'd like. little miss is getting too big, too. i can't believe that the baby is only 3 months or so away from being one. how does the time go by. i do my best to enjoy it, but it still flies by when you're not watching. somewhere between making dinner, folding laundry and naps, they just grow up.

well, video is done rendering...let's hope it worked this time.